Tuesday, December 27, 2011

New Year, New Me

As we prepare to ring in the new year I thought I'd share my resolutions for 2012.

1) I will not roll my eyes at the genius fortunetellers who look at my baby bump and my rambunctious toddler and confidently announce that I'm going to have my hands full. Thank you, Captain Obvious.

2) I will attempt to remain calm and refrain from foul, vulgar language. At least in the presence of my daughter.

3) I will try to trade in my sweats for jeans at least once a week.

4) I will not feel guilty leaving my house with an unmade bed or with dirty dishes in the sink. So long as my child has on a clean diaper, I'll be good to go.

5) I will get my hair cut more than once this year.

6) I will try to be more understanding of my husband, and never question why he'd dress Mackenzie in mismatched clothes.

7) I vow to never again eat stale Cheerios that I find tucked into the car seat, nestled in couch cushions, or buried in Mackenzie's pillow case.

8) I will make a concerted effort to avoid the clothing section each time I shop at Target.

9) I will not judge another mother.  Ever.  

10) I will be sure to thank my own mother more often.  

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Yes, Virginia

(I hate to recycle old material, but this one is worth sharing again...)


Yes, Virginia
There is a Santa Claus.

Sometimes he just wears a different hat.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

A Mommy's Christmas Wish List

Keeping with tradition (here's last year's wish list) I thought I'd share with you my mommy must-haves for this holiday season... 

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

'Tis the Season

I've always loved Christmas. It's a magical time of year.
I dreamed that once I had children, this festive holiday would become even more special.
But this Christmas season has been different. Maybe it's because retailers and corporate America collaborated to freak us all out by forcing Christmas down our throats before Halloween.
I feel like I'd barely made it through the pumpkin patch when the first boughs of holly decked our local mall.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Men Are From Mars...

My brother-in-law recently told me that he never would've known just how different the sexes are had he not had both a son and a daughter. 
For someone who's from a family of girls, I'm pretty naive when it comes to raising a boy.  And the more I talk to moms of males, the more I realize just how in over my head I'll be.  
Here's what I'm dreading... 

Monday, November 21, 2011

I Finally Get To Dress A Boy

I'm a girly girl.  Like, a really girly girl.  
I've worn numerous tutus. 
I don't like the dirt. 
I can't quote a single line from "Dumb & Dumber".  
So when I found out that I was having a girl two years ago I was super excited.  I had visions of tulle and pixie dust and unicorns.  I decided to go all out with Mackenzie's nursery and channel Barbie through and through.   

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

10 Reasons I Hate The Playground

Tot Lot. 
Jungle Gym.  
You can call it whatever you want.  
I'll still hate it.  
I never quite understood why mothers of older kids would get so huffy when they passed a park with monkey bars and swings and slides that seemed to scream, "Come play! It's FUN in here."
Maybe back in the day when you were a carefree kid with no fear whatsoever.  When someone ELSE was there to break your fall and make sure you got a fair turn on the seesaw.  Maybe it was FUN after a few beers and God knows what else back in college.  
But once you become a parent going to the playground is pure torture.  

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Just Your Typical Lunch Date

Temper tantrums.
They'll test a parent's limits like nothing else will.  And since my patience runs low on a good day, a bad tantrum is guaranteed to send me over the edge.
Especially a public one.
For me, the only thing worse than someone eyeing me with evil judgment during a tantrum is someone who tries to help during one. Today that someone happened to be toting an oxygen tank. 
That bit of detail is crucial to this story. Because clearly there's nothing more comforting for a screaming, irrational toddler than being approached by a total stranger with tubes up her nose.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

10 Signs I'm Just. Plain. Tired.

This second pregnancy is really kicking my ass. I thought things were tough the first time around but everything seems to be taking more of a toll on me with this baby. And despite the fact that I'm in the "good" trimester - if such a thing exists - I still feel like I've been run over by a truck most of the time.
I honestly don't even remember being this tired when Mackenzie was a newborn and had her days and nights mixed up.
The worst part is that I'm actually sleeping. It's not that I'm constantly feeling hungover because I'm up all night tossing and turning or because Mackenzie is waking up too early.
These kids - the one running me in circles all day and the one who has yet to make an appearance - are just sucking every last ounce of energy out of me.
In the past week I've started to notice some whackadoodle behavior that proves I'm the most exhausted I've ever been...

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

A Pregnant Woman Walks Into A Grocery Store...

No... this is not a joke.   

Nicole Leszczynski and her husband Marcin recently relocated from California to Hawaii.  Late last week they got lost while searching for a grocery store with their toddler, Zofia.  They finally stumbled upon a local Safeway where they bought approximately $50 in groceries.  Nicole Leszczynski -- 30 weeks pregnant -- was famished by the time they reached the store so she and her husband picked up two chicken sandwiches to eat while shopping.  They saved the wrappers but they weren't scanned upon check out.  The couple was questioned by store security and subsequently arrested for theft, despite their insistence that the whole thing was simply an oversight.  Their daughter was taken by Child Protective Services for 18 hours until the Leszczynski's were released on bail.  Safeway has since dropped the charges and has issued an apology

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The 10 Best Things About A Second Pregnancy

You didn't think I was being genuine with that title, did you? 
My second pregnancy is like a trip to the DMV.  It's painfully long and grueling but I know that in the end I'll be happy as a clam to have it over with.  
I know, I know... I really need to stop sugar coating things.  Geesh.  
Granted, I didn't love being knocked up the first time around either.  While most women revel in a state of pregnancy bliss, I tend to count down the days until it's over.  Does that make me a bad mother? I don't think so.  I just prefer not to get fat, have my skin stretch out, pee every five minutes, and feel sick for nine ten months.  Sue me. 
Anyway... Now that I've officially announced that there's a sequel to my original Lifetime movie, I thought I'd share my favorite things about Pregnancy Number Two: Revenge of Momzilla.  

Friday, October 21, 2011

To Preschool Or Not To Preschool

In case you live in a cave, here's a little newsflash for you: preschool ain't what it used to be.
Between applications, waiting lists, and tuition fees, you'd think you were sending your child off to Harvard.  
Now, I'm not naive. I know I'm not the first person to express shock at the ludicrous nature of the preschool process these days. But it's important to me now because I'm dealing with it now. And the thing I find most shocking is how extremely opinionated people can be about when and where to send your kid to school. Did you hear that? They're opinionated about YOUR child's future. These are typically the same people who try to pressure you into finding out -- or not finding out -- the sex of your unborn baby. The same folks who think their position on nursing versus bottle-feeding is the right decision for YOUR family. Now, I have no qualms with these soothsayers, so long as their opinion doesn't conflict with my own.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Mad At Mommy? Join the club, but skip this book

If you are a mom, have a mom, or know a mom, chances are you understand that someone is always inevitably mad at mommy.
It just comes with the territory.  Mothers always manage to come out looking like the bad guy, blamed for just about everything... even when their only crime is smothering their offspring with love and tenderness.  
So when I happened to stumble upon the children's book, Mad At Mommy after story time at the library I was expecting to be delightfully surprised. I was looking forward to a lighthearted and witty story that would leave me misty-eyed and giggling. 
But this kids' book has no business sitting on library shelves.  At least not in my humble opinion.  

Friday, October 14, 2011

Long Live The Momcation

I used to complain that I never get vacations anymore now that I'm a SAHM. I'm talking about vacations in the traditional sense, where I get time off from work. For now, there really is no time off from work, because when you're home with a kiddo 24/7 you don't get the benefits that come with an office job. Hell, I don't even get a bathroom break anymore.

Friday, October 7, 2011

I Scared A Pregnant Woman

I recently caught up with a friend who's expecting her first child in December.  
She's the perfect pregnant girl: all belly, radiating a healthy glow, and eager and excited about becoming a mother.  
I was flattered when she asked for advice and welcomed my parenting tips.  
But I'm the kind of friend who tells the truth, so in hindsight she may regret even speaking to me in the first place. 
A word of wisdom, folks... NEVER be 100% honest with a mom-to-be.  It's just not fair. 

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

The Mamster

That's me. The Mamster. Mommy Hamster. At least that's how I feel lately.
Day in, day out. Run, run, run on my little hamster wheel.
Problem is, I never get anywhere.
And that, frankly, is exhausting, not to mention completely unfair.
Every time I clean up one mess another one appears.
For each piece of clothing I fold another one manages to make its way onto Mackenzie's head.
I can't put dinner plates away without her crawling into the dishwasher.
I can't put groceries away without her climbing into the fridge.
I often ask myself, What has happened to my life? I used to DO things. Now for every two steps forward, I take three steps back.
If I sound bitter it's because I am.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Finding Balance

I'm hating this Indian summer we're having.  I'm anxious for the air to turn crisp and cool and for the leaves to change colors.  But inevitably autumn will give way to winter and I'll soon be complaining about frigid temperatures and bare trees.  
Then I'm really screwed.  
This child of mine needs to be free.  Free to run and climb and roll and fall.  She needs to spin in circles until she's too dizzy to stand.  She needs more than what the four walls of my home have to offer.  

Thursday, September 22, 2011

The Rolling Stones Were Right...

You can't always get what you want.  

This is especially true for mothers.
When our babies are born we want nothing more than to hear them cry.  Then we spend the next several years hoping they'll never do it again.
We complain that we never get any time to ourselves.  When we finally do, we spend the majority of it thinking about our kids.
We desperately want our husbands' help.  But as soon as we get it we're frustrated by the fact that they don't do things exactly as we do.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

The 5 Most Annoying People At The Grocery Store


* Why he's annoying: 
He tries to come off as lonely and charming but in reality you wonder if you should call the cops on him.   It's just a little weird when he slowly approaches your cart and remarks that there are "so many beautiful babies at the store today".
* What he's wearing: 
A flannel shirt, unbuttoned.  A dingy undershirt.  A pair of grimy khakis.  His slippers. 
* Spotted in his cart: 
Two bananas and a 6-pack of Pabst.  

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

So You Think Your Kid Is A Genius?

I was so proud of Mackenzie after her 15 month checkup last week.  The pediatrician was absolutely floored when I told him how many words she had mastered in the past several months.  I left the office with my head held high, my nose slightly turned up in the air.  
I thought... My kid is a genius! 
I began this week with a little swagger in my step after another mother complimented Mackenzie on how well she was getting around at the playground.  "She's so mobile for a 15-month-old," the other mother mused.  
I thought... Yep! Genius! 
And as I left my own doctor's appointment today I actually started to gloat when my physician acknowledged how smart Mackenzie is.  
I thought... Holy cow! This kid is special.  She's going places.  Ivy League all the way! 
Then the parenting gods descended and smacked some sense into me.  


Saturday, September 10, 2011

Beacons of Hope

True story... 
A little girl comes home from her first day of kindergarten and proclaims that the Jonas Brothers are "SO hot". 
Her mother asks where she heard that.  
The daughter responds that a girl in her class -- whose sister is a freshman in high school -- told her all about the Jonas Brothers.    
The mother asks her daughter if she knows what it means that the Jonas Brothers are "SO hot".  
The daughter says she isn't so sure, but she guesses that it must mean they don't have any air conditioning. 

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

So Help Me God

The president takes an oath of office.  Doctors, the Hippocratic oath.  Members of the Armed Forces, an enlistment oath.  And yet the women responsible for raising future leaders need not make any promises that they will carry out their duties responsibly and ethically.
Seems sort of strange, doesn't it?
The sad truth is that anyone can become a mother.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

It's a Girl!

As much as it used to irk me to have people mistake Mackenzie for a boy, I can actually understand the mix up.  It was an honest mistake.  She had no hair and I wasn't one for dressing her in head-to-toe pink with burgeoning floral head bands and poofy hair ribbons.  I would get annoyed when people asked how old my son was or when they told me I had such a cute little boy, but it was partly my own fault.  

Friday, September 2, 2011

Baby On Bored

I personally think it's totally normal to become bored with your baby.  
It's not a matter of losing interest in him or her, it has more to do with the fact that as a SAHM you're with them 24/7 and life with an infant or toddler can get pretty monotonous pretty quickly.  

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Saved By Nicki Minaj

As far as I'm concerned, there's nothing worse than the high-pitched shriek that Mackenzie has managed to master in the last week. If you thought the sound of nails on a chalkboard was the most blood-curdling thing you could ever hear, think again.
This scream is not only embarrassing, it's downright stroke-inducing. I think Mackenzie may actually be trying to kill me. There's no other reason for making such a terrible noise.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

When Mommy's Ego Needs Massaging

When our group of Stroller Strides moms meets at the local park here in Northern Virginia we're typically not looking to win any beauty pageants. 
Don't get me wrong. 
We look good.  We take care of our bodies.  We are strong and we are in shape. 
But the majority of us haven't showered (we're there for our morning workout, after all).  We are most often bare-faced, with the traces of a sleepless night evident in our under-eye circles. 

Thursday, August 25, 2011

10 Signs YOU Need A Time Out (A Real One)

1) Normal things exhaust you.
Preparing dinner goes something like this: squinting through teary eyes while chopping an onion and using your left foot to block your toddler from climbing into the open dishwasher and stabbing herself with a steak knife.

2) You're beginning to scare yourself.
You've actually considered putting your child up for auction on eBay, leaving them screaming in the shopping cart at Target, or running away from home.

3) You're taking things out on innocent bystanders.
The person calling from the Lupus Foundation is just looking for a donation pledge.  She doesn't need to hear how difficult your day has been.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Mommy Time

We try, we really do.  
We make valiant efforts to get out the door on time. 
But like it or not, something inevitably happens to keep us from being prompt.  
Once you have a kid there's nothing easy about anything anymore.  And there's nothing simple or quick about getting someplace when you're supposed to.  

Friday, August 19, 2011


This may come as a surprise to you, but there are days when I think motherhood is anything but a walk in the park.  In fact, on many occasions I find myself fantasizing about sending Mackenzie off to boarding school.  
I kid, of course.  
Boarding school would mean that she'd have to come back at some point.  
OK, OK.  
In all seriousness, I love my daughter to death and have a hard time spending a measly few hours away from her.  But if you've been following this blog you won't be shocked to learn that there are times when I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown and -- despite my undying and unconditional love for Mackenzie -- I sometimes wonder why I ever chose to take on the most challenging job in the world.  
But these are the moments in which Mackenzie pulls me back from the brink.  
Here's how she does it... 

Monday, August 15, 2011

Two-Letter Words You Don't Want To Hear

When you have a kid, four-letter words ought to disappear from your vocabulary.  While this is easier said than done, most of us at least make an effort to stop dropping F-Bombs in the presence of our children.  (Except for one friend whose potty mouth has rubbed off on his daughter, who -- at least once or twice -- has called people fucking assholes.)
But what about those nasty little two-letter words that keep getting us into trouble? How will we ever manage to censor ourselves?

Thursday, August 11, 2011

I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar

On a recent shopping trip to... WAIT FOR IT... Target, I discovered a new genre in greeting cards: Mom-to-Mom/Woman-to-Woman.  As I searched for a birthday card for my sister I came upon a shocking category: Menopause.   I gasped, loudly enough so that the guy next to me (who was presumably NOT shopping for menopause cards) turned and looked to see if I was okay.  

Monday, August 8, 2011

Little Miss Fancy Pants

I recently came to the sad conclusion that my maternity outfits are the coolest clothes in my closet.    Everything else that I like is either stained or torn or just plain old.  Half of the skirts I own are too short for my current lifestyle and the majority of my tops and pants would still be wearable if only I went to an office everyday.  My dilemma is not uncommon for a mother who spends almost the entire day in sweats.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Houston, We Have A Problem

Before Mackenzie was born, when I worked in news full-time, I felt like I was always in control.  A major story would break and I would know just how to handle it. 
Reagan dead? Saddam captured? I remained calm.  I was able to make split-second decisions.  I didn't break a sweat. 
But now that I've been working as a stay at home mom for over a year, I seem to have lost every last shred of control.  

Thursday, August 4, 2011

The Bombshell Babe

There is no doubt that 10-year-old French model Thylane Loubry Blondeau is beautiful.  And I don't believe that there is anything wrong with young girls appearing in fashion magazines.  But Blondeau's provocative photos in French Vogue are just downright troubling.  
My concern is twofold: How could anyone allow their prepubescent daughter to pose for photos that carry such sexual undertones, and what kind of message are these photos sending to young girls? 

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

The Burden of Motherhood

I've written tirelessly about the many "perks" that come with being a mom... the lack of sleep, the loss of independence, the general sense of selflessness.  
But a mother's biggest burden is her responsibility to protect her child, with the knowledge that she won't always be able to. 

Sunday, July 31, 2011

A Few of My Favorite Things

Back in October I wrote A Mommy's Top 10 List cataloging the things I couldn't live without as a new mom.  Well, times have changed significantly since then and I thought I'd channel my inner Oprah and share a list of my new favorite things.  (Sorry, no giveaways today.)  

Friday, July 29, 2011

Say What? Take these words of wisdom with a grain of salt...

* Silence is golden: Don't get me wrong.  I love a quiet house as much as the next mom.  But unless Mackenzie is napping, a quiet house for me means that my daughter is off on her own doing something she's not supposed to be doing.  
* Actions speak louder than words: True as this may be, I challenge you to a scream-off with my child.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Operation Look Alive


Monday, July 25, 2011

Goo Goo Ga Ga Google

Back in October I wrote this post about things I never thought I'd Google.  Mackenzie was four months old at the time and a lot of my questions involved poop.  
I'd glad to know I'm not alone.  
Last night while I was checking A Mommy Is Made's web statistics, I came across some interesting Google searches that have led readers to this blog. 
This search was the most fascinating: "baby poop shoot across room". 

Friday, July 22, 2011

Meet Mackenzie

Hi.  I'm Mackenzie.
You already know my Mommy.  So I'm sure you know how great crazy she is.
Don't get me wrong.  She's super fun and takes really good care of me.
But sometimes she's just... well, insane!

Monday, July 18, 2011

10 Reasons You're Getting The Abridged Version

People often ask me how I have time to write up a blog post.  The answer is simply, I don't. 
Between chasing Mackenzie around the house trying to prevent her from destroying half the furniture, to driving around running errands between naps and meal times, it's a challenge to hunker down in the basement and type something that is 1) interesting and 2) cohesive. 

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Sunday Funday

I remember -- albeit vaguely -- when Sunday mornings were spent sleeping late, lounging in bed, having a big breakfast and staying in my pajamas all day catching up on TV shows on the DVR.  
Now Sunday Funday goes something like this... 
Wake up, fetch Mackenzie her milk.  
Watch Mackenzie as she plays with her toys. 
Read her some books. 
Fix her breakfast (eggs this morning, which she chewed for a few seconds and handed to Doug).

Friday, July 15, 2011

Survival Guide: A Mommy Is Made's Dos and Don'ts

* DON'T ever do a smell check in public.  While this may work in your intimate circle of mothers, it's never cool to sniff your child's butt in front of total strangers.  Find a way to perform a discreet diaper assessment and you won't have half of Target looking at you in sheer disgust. 
* DON'T mimic your child's wave unless you're in the confines of your own home.  It's not okay to wag a limp, floppy hand at your garbage man while saying, "buh-BYEEEE... BUUUUH-BYE".
* DO make sure to find time for a shower.  Your husband, among others, will thank you. 
* DON'T break up your kid's food with your own mouth.  There are reasons we have forks and knives. 

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Don't Look Back

Our family recently attended a barbecue that lasted from 5 p.m. until 11 p.m. 
The invite list was split down the middle.  
Half the guests were married with children and half were either single or married without kids. 
Naturally those of us toting toddlers arrived on the early side, with the latecomers showing up a few hours into the party.  Presumably these were the people hanging out until last call.  The rest of us, I can assure you, were well into our REM cycles when the last beers were opened.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Who's Keeping Score?

Apparently I am.
And apparently other wives are.
And apparently husbands across the globe are not.
This, according to my husband.
I've never been one to engage in quid pro quo, but when it comes to life after baby I do believe there needs to be an occasional trade-off.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Women At Work

People often come into my house and ask, "Is it always this clean?"
I kind of shrug and nod my head.
But the truth is that my house will never be the pristine abode it was B.B. (Before Baby).
For the first year of Mackenzie's life I managed to keep things looking much the same.  Aside from the daunting task of cleaning projectile poop off the nursery carpet and walls, I had it pretty easy.  There were times when I thought I would never stop wiping spit up off the couch, but much like the butt blowouts, the spitting up subsided after the first several months. 

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Saved By The Sitter

Someone recently asked me what I DO all day as a SAHM. 
I was very frank with my answer.  
I sit around on the couch eating bon bons, painting my toenails, and watching soaps. NATCH!
The truth is, I prefer chocolate chip cookies, I loathe doing my own toes (when I bend over I can see my baby fat rolls and the hint of a C-Section scar = EW!), and I don't think I've ever actually had the patience to sit through an entire daytime "story".
Enter reality... 
I get up at the crack of dawn (sometimes earlier), eat breakfast standing at the kitchen sink while shoveling lumpy oatmeal into my daughter's mouth, finish my breakfast while scooping Cheerios off the floor and tossing the leftovers into my own mouth, spend way too much time making the bed, sunscreening up, getting dressed, changing an oatmeal poop diaper, filling a sippy cup, brushing my teeth, trying to teach Mackenzie how to brush HER teeth...

Friday, June 17, 2011


I'm actually surprised that I've lived to update the blog this afternoon. 
Hurricane Mackenzie came through with epic force today. 
So much for TGIF -- more like TGI...WTF!?!?!
Someone really ought to make a greeting card for parents that says, "Oh yeah, Congratulations! Your kid turned 1.  You ain't seen nuthin yet."

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Round Two

A Mommy Is Made has been on hiatus for a couple of weeks because someone decided to grow up and turn one.  Looking back on the past year I realize that although I've been through a lot, there's still a long road ahead.  There will be good days and bad, and motherhood is by far the hardest job in the world.  But it's also the most rewarding.
And while I hardly consider myself an expert on the subject, I've discovered that being a mom is all about rolling with the punches and growing with your child.
As Mackenzie starts her second year in the world, I'd like to reflect on all I've learned up to this point...

Monday, May 23, 2011

Attack of The Killer SAHM

Listen - If you're going to judge me based on this story, so be it... I'm all out of fight for today. 

I met a friend for lunch a few hours ago in a busy neighborhood not far from my house. 
Lunch time + bustling neighborhood = difficulty finding parking. 
After driving around for a bit I saw a mother toting a toddler who was headed for her car. 
This mom -- a fellow SAHM, I presumed -- was rushing to get to her parking space but had a bit of a hard time finding her keys.  I waited, and waited, all the while sympathizing with the woman as she searched the abyss that was her diaper bag.  
When she finally located her keys, put the toddler in the car seat, and turned the ignition I looked in my rear view mirror and put the car in reverse to give her space to exit her spot. 

Sunday, May 15, 2011

10 Signs You're The Mother Of A Toddler

Ok - It's still a few weeks before Mackenzie turns one, but she already seems to have taken the plunge (literally and figuratively) into toddlerhood.
Here's how I know I'm in for the long haul...

1) The other day I had to get up off the toilet -- midstream -- to run and close the baby gate.
2) I'm burning more calories chasing Mackenzie around the house than I am during my hour-long morning workout.
3) Mackenzie is enjoying telling me, "no".
4) My innocent little daughter has now kissed two boys.
5) I've found that I'm more tired now than I was when I was getting up every two hours at night for feedings.
6) At the end of the day my energy tank has run dry and I'm less likely to stop Mackenzie from licking the bottom of a shoe, banging the cordless phone on the floor, and rearranging the Tupperware cabinet.
7) The fireplace somehow managed to turn itself on the other day.
8) I've had two pairs of sunglasses broken in the past week.
9) Cheerios seem to appear just about everywhere in my house... especially mushy ones.
10) Spending a night at a hotel with my husband sounds absolutely amazing.  But spending a night at a hotel all by myself? JACKPOT!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

All In The Family

The only thing worse than having a total stranger approach you in public to gawk at your kid is having a total stranger approach you in public to gawk at your kid who happens to have a black eye. 
In case you haven't heard, Miss Mackenzie managed to roll off her changing table last week and has herself one helluva shiner. 
As if it weren't enough to feel like a crappy mom for allowing something like this happen under my watch, now there's physical evidence to show the entire world just how crappy I really am.  

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Postpartum Barbie

Ever see one?
Yeah, me neither.
Several years ago Mattel knocked up Barbie's best friend Midge, but she was pulled from shelves after parents complained that the doll was inappropriate for young girls (something about promoting teenage pregnancy - this outrage clearly came before Teen Mom ever aired).
The real controversy surrounding Midge (in my book, at least) is that she doesn't look anything like me when I was pregnant.  Where are the cankles? The swollen fingers? Where are the mood swings??? And who on Earth wears shoes like that when they're prego? And why is her hair down to her ass??? She's going to have to cut that for real when she gives birth.  That's a serious strangulation hazard for a newborn.

"The Biggest Loser" trainer Jillian Michaels ignited a firestorm last year after suggesting in an interview that she would never ruin her body with a baby.  She says she was misquoted.  Read here and decide for yourself.  No matter how she said it, we know what she meant.

Pregnancy means your figure will change.
The end.
It also means you'll metamorphose into some sort of circus-like caricature of your former self -- with a bigger nose, wider hips, and larger feet.
Like.. for real... no joke.

You're never quite the same no matter how hard you work to get yourself back in shape.  Even if you manage to reach your pre-pregnancy weight and go down a  dress size.
Something is always just a little off. 
And because once you become a mother your life revolves around someone else, your personal care and self-attention fall by the wayside.
Ever wonder why all the moms you know look like they bought their clothes at Target?
That's because they did!
Because they're always at Target.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Food For Thought

I'm starting to worry that my OCD is getting in the way of Mackenzie's development.  
Yeah, I've relaxed a bit when it comes to order in the house. 
I no longer have a minor panic attack if the plantation shutters are in disarray after Mackenzie has moved them up and down.
I've given up on the notion that my house will remain spotless at all times. 
And although I still feel like I'm constantly tackling piles of laundry that never end, I don't feel the need to do five loads a day just so that the hamper remains empty. 

Friday, April 22, 2011

Exception To The Rule

There are certain things that mothers can get away with just simply because they're moms and -- as moms -- they carry the weight of the world on their shoulders. 
How are you bending the rules? 

Friday, April 15, 2011

Mommy Lobotomy

If you're a mother, chances are you've at one point or another blamed your chronic lunacy on "mommy brain", the relentless mental condition that plagues all moms at one point or another. 
In the ten months since Mackenzie was born I've lost my mind a million different ways.
It started as a rather innocuous condition. 
I mean, anyone can forget a baby, right??? 
Isn't it like failing to set your alarm or pick up orange juice at the grocery store?
OK, maybe not... but still... New moms are sleep-deprived and panic-stricken.  A true recipe for disaster. 
During the first few months of Mackenzie's life I had minor anxiety attacks each time I got into the car, fearing that I'd forgotten the baby at home in her crib. 
Or that I'd left the car seat on the floor of the garage with Mackenzie flailing inside.
Other early "mommy brain" symptoms include: washing your hair with conditioner, wearing two different color socks, and brushing your teeth with acne cream instead of toothpaste.  
But "mommy brain" only gets worse over time. 

Monday, April 11, 2011

Life Lessons

There are some nights where I pour myself a glass of wine, put my feet up, and applaud myself for what I taught Mackenzie that day.  
But when all is said and done it's my daughter who's taught me a thing or two. 

* No matter how many times you fall down, get back up and try again. 
* Life is better barefoot. 
* You can forget all your troubles at the playground. 
* Likewise, splashing in the bath can relieve a lot of tension. 
* When you feel full, stop eating. (I know this will last only until Mackenzie is able to go to a ball game and down a hot dog, popcorn, cotton candy, and ice cream in a matter of minutes.) 
* The louder you cry the more attention you get. (Sad, but true.)
* Never be afraid to try something new. 
* Imagination is greater than knowledge. 
* Having a) gas in public b) chubby thighs or c) boogers in your hair is only charming if you're still in diapers.  
* No one will ever love you quite like your parents do.