Sunday, October 31, 2010

The 5 Scariest Things About Halloween This Year

  1. My zombie walk to the crib at 4 a.m.
  2. Not being able to tell if Mackenzie is breathing when she sleeps on her stomach
  3. The massive poop that comes after her morning banana
  4. The amount of candy I've already eaten
  5. The fact that I can already picture the day when my daughter wants to dress up as a sexy cat, a sexy cop, a sexy Snow White, or a sexy pirate (NOT. HAPPENING.)

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Rest Stop Roulette

First lesson in parenting: never wake a sleeping baby.
This is a good rule of thumb when you're close to home, but on a road trip it gets a little tricky.
Take for example our recent visit to grandma and grandpa's house.
Doug and I were proud of ourselves for not stopping the car at the first hint of a cry, a rookie mistake we made on our first out-of-state excursion.
This time, we were a little more seasoned, and Mackenzie eventually found her thumb and soothed herself back to sleep.
But after that, we were two players in a game of what Doug dubbed "Rest Stop Roulette" where every exit with a Roy Rogers, Taco Bell, or Carvel was potentially deadly. 

Monday, October 25, 2010


I recently received a Save the Date to my 10-year college reunion next June.  
I won't be attending because it's the same weekend that Mackenzie turns one and Doug has already started party planning. 
It got me thinking though about how a conversation would go with one of my old classmates if the reunion were held today. *In my head this former classmate is a beautiful, single, childless woman who has become the CEO of a Fortune 500 company; it makes the story more dramatic, so just go with it.*

ME: Hello, my name is SAHM. I'm a Stay-At-Home Mom (thanks for the clever acronym, Daniela). 
I went to college, earned a degree, got a great job, and now 80% of my day revolves around diapers and laundry.
I've recently been promoted to House Manager, which is great because I was thinking that I really haven't been challenged enough, what with the child rearing and everything. 

(insert eye roll here)

OLD CLASSMATE: So, SAHM, what do you DO all day?

Sunday, October 24, 2010

The Things They Do

There are certain things that only a four month old could manage to pull off without any repercussions.
What would the world be like if we were able to get away with acting like Mackenzie and...

Farted in public
Spit on people
Pulled each other's hair
Burped out loud, and in someone's face
Groped the nearest pair of boobs
Ate our toes
Pooped our pants
Hit people for no reason
Slept all day
Stayed up all night

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Man Up, Mama

I'm pretty sure that my neighbors have called child protective services on me today.

You see, Mackenzie has learned to make some new sounds this week, and they're just plain frightening.
She's got the fake, attention-grabbing cough down pat.
So to anyone who's not privy to her little charade it may seem as if I'm standing idly by while she chokes.
She's also managed to create a sensational scream that sends me running to her side in a total panic... only to discover that she's actually fine and will someday become an excellent actress. 
So now I'm aware of the fact that she's a big phony and just wants to be coddled all day (so I can't pee, eat, or breathe without her attached to me). But other people don't know she's faking.
Inevitably she wins.
I can't possibly let the entire neighborhood think I'm neglecting my child, can I?
I've toyed with the idea and my simple conclusion is no.
That said, this game has continued for the better part of the week and I've just about had it.
I've spent most of today asking Mackenzie why she's bullying mommy and if she thinks it's funny to watch her own mother teeter on the brink of a nervous breakdown.
I'm still waiting for her to answer.
So far she's only given me the stink eye. Five seconds later she's scrunching her nose and giggling and it damn near melts my heart.
I've been telling myself to stay strong, to not be broken, to man up and call her bluff. 
But at the end of the day it's Mackenzie's world and I'm just living in it.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Who DOES This???

It used to be that I was known at the cosmetic counters at the mall (yes, by name, and yes, that's embarrassing) ... Now I'm known at the customer service counter at Buy Buy Baby (yes, still by name, yes, still embarrassing).
Gone are the days where I'd peruse the latest anti-aging creams at Clinique and drop a hundred bucks on lip gloss and liner at Lancome.
I'm a mommy, and mommies still buy stuff.  They just don't buy stuff for themselves anymore.
Instead of spending money on expensive anti-cellulite creams (which don't work anyway, let's face it), I'm buying fragrance-free diaper rash ointment.
Instead of testing dozens of foundations to find the perfect match, I'm trying different diaper brands in search of a no-leak solution.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

10 Things Every New Mommy Should Know

1. You are not alone. The woman across the street is also fantasizing about wine and a warm bath at this very moment.
2. Give it time. Your pants WILL fit again.
3. What worked five minutes ago will not work five minutes from now.
4. Strangers feel the need to give you parenting advice. It is your right to tell them off.
5. At some point you will have to improvise. Embrace your inner Mommy MacGyver.
6. Your patience is never done being tested.
7. Sometimes your baby will laugh and cry in the same breath. You are likely to do the same.
8. It is perfectly acceptable to consider a piece of string cheese and some crackers a meal.
9. Sleep is overrated anyway.
10. You are doing your very best.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Looking Back, It Wasn't SO Bad...

It's no secret I didn't love being pregnant, what with the weight gain, heartburn, and constant need to pee.  I was actually happy to be hooked up to a catheter for two days post delivery just so I didn't have to run to the bathroom every five minutes. (Oddly enough, now that I have a baby, escaping to the bathroom for 15 seconds to pee is my only solace during the day).

I'll never miss waddling around with swollen ankles or breathlessly climbing stairs.  
But even pregnancy has its perks; here's what I loved most about bearing a bump... 

Sunday, October 17, 2010



  1. Hillary Clinton was right, it does take a village.
  2. Find time for yourself.
  3. Laughter is the best medicine.
  4. Sometimes a deep breath is all you need.
  5. Our mothers are heroes.
  6. Each moment is fleeting, so cherish them all.
  7. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. 
  8. Push-ups aren't the enemy, the cookie jar is.
  9. It does get easier, then it gets harder, then it gets easier again.
  10. All you need is love.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Paging Super Mommy, 15 Minutes Before Air

You know that scene in "Broadcast News" where Joan Cusack sprints to the control room in order to get a tape on air? That was me in my previous life. 
Now it's more of a cross between getting slimed on "You Can't Do That On Television" and running the obstacle course on "Double Dare" -- I know, totally breaking out the '80s references today... Maybe I'm missing my youth. 

On Friday my two worlds -- past and present -- collided when I went back to work, my first day as a freelance producer.  
I'm happy to report that it was nice being back, although I'm glad I'll be spending most of my time as a stay-at-home mom, despite it being the most difficult job in the world and the fact that there's so much poop involved.

*The Exersaucer Debacle Concludes

If you read Wednesday's post about the Exersaucer Debacle you'll be happy to learn that I'm once again an idiot.
Determined to put this thing together before the weekend, I went back to the store where I purchased the first Exersaucer and bought another one.  The girls at customer service remembered that I'd had to return the first one due to three missing pieces.  They insisted on making sure the new one had all of its parts, and opened the box in front of me to examine the pieces. 

HELP! Bumpers and Solids and Diapers, Oh My!

Dear Loyal Readers (yes, all twelve of you),

I should start by letting you all know that someone has taken my child and replaced her with a monkey. 
In the past week, my perfect little sleeper has turned into a hootin' n' hollerin' little animal, keeping me up all night long.  As I sleepily stumble into the nursery and peer over her crib she crinkles her nose and laughs at me, as if it's all a big joke.

Of course, her goofy, gummy grin is the cutest thing in the world, even at 3 a.m. so I don't mind her ruse all that much.  

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Don't Listen To Your Mother

I always thought that if I had a daughter, I'd want her to be exactly like me.  I'd want her to have big dreams and a sense of wonder... to be cautiously curious about the world but never be afraid to take a leap of faith... to believe in true love, second chances, and the idea that all people are inherently good. 
Now that I've watched her grow over the last four months I'm realizing that Mackenzie has already begun to develop her own personality, and I'm starting to think about the things I don't want her to learn from me. 

I don't share my toys.
Anyone who knows me well is fully aware of the fact that I'm a complete and utter psychopath when it comes to cleanliness and clutter.  Not only am I anal retentive about keeping things immaculate, I'm borderline obsessive/compulsive when it comes to keeping things orderly. If a candlestick is a quarter of an inch out of place, steam starts coming out of my ears and I may start to hyperventilate. 

Saturday, October 9, 2010

A Budget Is Made

Now that I'm not returning to work full-time and we're a single-income family, Doug has decided that I need to present him with...
a budget.

I'm thinking that this budget isn't going to allow for...
designer handbags
a new fall wardrobe
luxury spa treatments
or a Sephora shopping spree.


Although I have to say that I no longer shop 'til I drop.  In fact, half the things I used to splurge on are now moot.
My handbags have been replaced by diaper bags.
My fall wardrobe now consists of sweats and more sweats, and anything I wear has to be machine washable.
I now consider a daily shower a luxury.
And since I no longer wear a trace of makeup I guess Sephora isn't worth my while.

Regardless, the request of a formal budget seemed, well, formal. I jokingly asked Doug if he was expecting a Power Point presentation.  He sort of half laughed.

A blog entry will have to suffice.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

10 Things I Never Thought I'd Google

As I watched Doug change Mackenzie's diaper just days after she was born, I couldn't help but notice what appeared to be...
a second butt hole.
Yes, that's right..





At first I thought maybe it was the pain medication going to my head, or the lack of sleep impairing my eyesight... and my judgment.

But no, right there in the middle of her lower back was an extra orifice.
Was I going crazy? What was going on around her little tushy?

I breathed a sigh of relief when Doug admitted that he had also wondered what that little black abyss was all about.  Neither one of us wanted to ask the hospital pediatrician about it, but hey, a second butt hole? That would be cause for concern, no? Might want to check with the doctor and see what that's all about, right?

Turns out it was a small dimple that's common after babies are born.  When poo manages to make its way in there it looks scarier than it really is.  It's since disappeared and I'd almost forgotten all about it until I realized the other day that the black hole was just the start of an endless line of incredibly ridiculous and embarrassing questions we'd be asking doctors, nurses, and the # 1 source for ALL information...


Sunday, October 3, 2010

Monday Morning Quarterback

An old friend recently posted the best status update I've seen in awhile.
Her Facebook page read, "I need a wife."
Her male friends had a field day with this one. Just the thought of this cute little mama with a wife gave them a lot to think about.
But my friend rained on their parade pretty quickly, explaining that she needed a wife to help her with all of her unglamorous mommy duties, including but not limited to scraping poop and puke off of baby onesies... Which is pretty much how I started my weekend.
Strip the crib, scrub the mattress pad, spray some Oxy, start a load of laundry.
Strip the crib, scrub the mattress pad, spray some Oxy... you get the picture.

I may not have a wife to help with the cleaning, but I do have Doug, who took Mackenzie downstairs after my first two rounds of "Scrape the Poo" so I could catch a few more Zs.

Our weekends used to entail sleeping in, having a big breakfast, and basically succumbing to the living room couch and our DVR.
Now we're up at sunrise with Mackenzie between us in bed, rubbing the sleepiness out of our eyes as we watch our daughter discover her fingers and toes.  The next few hours resemble a choreographed dance in which we take turns occupying the baby, doing housework, paying bills, cutting coupons, going to the grocery store, and showering.

Friday, October 1, 2010

A Mommy's Top 10 List

10 Things I've Cursed Since Becoming A Mommy

1) snaps: whoever thought it would be wise to add a million of these tiny contraptions to baby clothes never wrestled my child

Mackenzie's "Fussy Pink" room 

2) Sherwin Williams: for thinking it would be cute to name a paint color "Fussy Pink"; I blame the company for every sleepless night I've had 

3) anything that plays one song over, and over, and over: 'nuf said

4) my husband my bathroom scale