Monday, May 23, 2011

Attack of The Killer SAHM

Listen - If you're going to judge me based on this story, so be it... I'm all out of fight for today. 

I met a friend for lunch a few hours ago in a busy neighborhood not far from my house. 
Lunch time + bustling neighborhood = difficulty finding parking. 
After driving around for a bit I saw a mother toting a toddler who was headed for her car. 
This mom -- a fellow SAHM, I presumed -- was rushing to get to her parking space but had a bit of a hard time finding her keys.  I waited, and waited, all the while sympathizing with the woman as she searched the abyss that was her diaper bag.  
When she finally located her keys, put the toddler in the car seat, and turned the ignition I looked in my rear view mirror and put the car in reverse to give her space to exit her spot. 

Sunday, May 15, 2011

10 Signs You're The Mother Of A Toddler

Ok - It's still a few weeks before Mackenzie turns one, but she already seems to have taken the plunge (literally and figuratively) into toddlerhood.
Here's how I know I'm in for the long haul...

1) The other day I had to get up off the toilet -- midstream -- to run and close the baby gate.
2) I'm burning more calories chasing Mackenzie around the house than I am during my hour-long morning workout.
3) Mackenzie is enjoying telling me, "no".
4) My innocent little daughter has now kissed two boys.
5) I've found that I'm more tired now than I was when I was getting up every two hours at night for feedings.
6) At the end of the day my energy tank has run dry and I'm less likely to stop Mackenzie from licking the bottom of a shoe, banging the cordless phone on the floor, and rearranging the Tupperware cabinet.
7) The fireplace somehow managed to turn itself on the other day.
8) I've had two pairs of sunglasses broken in the past week.
9) Cheerios seem to appear just about everywhere in my house... especially mushy ones.
10) Spending a night at a hotel with my husband sounds absolutely amazing.  But spending a night at a hotel all by myself? JACKPOT!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

All In The Family

The only thing worse than having a total stranger approach you in public to gawk at your kid is having a total stranger approach you in public to gawk at your kid who happens to have a black eye. 
In case you haven't heard, Miss Mackenzie managed to roll off her changing table last week and has herself one helluva shiner. 
As if it weren't enough to feel like a crappy mom for allowing something like this happen under my watch, now there's physical evidence to show the entire world just how crappy I really am.  

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Postpartum Barbie

Ever see one?
Yeah, me neither.
Several years ago Mattel knocked up Barbie's best friend Midge, but she was pulled from shelves after parents complained that the doll was inappropriate for young girls (something about promoting teenage pregnancy - this outrage clearly came before Teen Mom ever aired).
The real controversy surrounding Midge (in my book, at least) is that she doesn't look anything like me when I was pregnant.  Where are the cankles? The swollen fingers? Where are the mood swings??? And who on Earth wears shoes like that when they're prego? And why is her hair down to her ass??? She's going to have to cut that for real when she gives birth.  That's a serious strangulation hazard for a newborn.

"The Biggest Loser" trainer Jillian Michaels ignited a firestorm last year after suggesting in an interview that she would never ruin her body with a baby.  She says she was misquoted.  Read here and decide for yourself.  No matter how she said it, we know what she meant.

Pregnancy means your figure will change.
The end.
It also means you'll metamorphose into some sort of circus-like caricature of your former self -- with a bigger nose, wider hips, and larger feet.
Like.. for real... no joke.

You're never quite the same no matter how hard you work to get yourself back in shape.  Even if you manage to reach your pre-pregnancy weight and go down a  dress size.
Something is always just a little off. 
And because once you become a mother your life revolves around someone else, your personal care and self-attention fall by the wayside.
Ever wonder why all the moms you know look like they bought their clothes at Target?
That's because they did!
Because they're always at Target.