Monday, July 25, 2011

Goo Goo Ga Ga Google

Back in October I wrote this post about things I never thought I'd Google.  Mackenzie was four months old at the time and a lot of my questions involved poop.  
I'd glad to know I'm not alone.  
Last night while I was checking A Mommy Is Made's web statistics, I came across some interesting Google searches that have led readers to this blog. 
This search was the most fascinating: "baby poop shoot across room". 

Oddly enough the first Google result is a YouTube video claiming to show an infant's "poop explosion". I'll take the description for its word.  I've already seen enough projectile poops this past year.
A Mommy Is Made: In Need of Pruning is the second result that pops up. I wrote this post back in February and it was all about... you guessed it... poop.  
What is WRONG with me? 
Isn't there more to having a baby than discussing his or her bowel movements?  
Do my loyal readers need to hear about every speck of undigested food in my daughter's excrement? (Kiwi seeds this morning, not that you asked.) 
Will Mackenzie need years of therapy to overcome the personal damages she will have endured as a result of her mother's candor? 
No.  There's more to this blog than poo, right? 
And some of those poop posts have been informative, have they not?
I mean, someone out there was Googling "baby poop shoot across room" wondering if that's a normal thing or not.  This person was presumably dealing with the same horror that I went through those first few months.  Scrubbing onesies at 3 a.m., changing crib linens on a daily basis, searching the nursery walls making sure every last drop of flying feces was scoured off the walls.  
They don't tell you these things when you're pregnant.  No one has a sonogram technician who looks at the screen and says, "Wow.  This kid is gonna be a crapper." 
You don't get 10 extra sheets at your baby shower with a card that says, "This is for the shit storm you're about to endure.  Literally. "
No.  Parents are left to discover these joys for themselves once the baby comes. 
Now that my baby has moved beyond pootastrophes, I find myself looking less frequently to Google for answers.  But there's still the occasional conundrum that leads me back to the Internet, searching for a sense of calm.  
After all, you can own every parenting book on the planet and it's still always easier to grab your iPhone for quick reference.  Like the time Mackenzie ingested some zit cream and we needed to call Poison Control.  (Her complexion has never looked better, by the way.) 
So here are the things I've been Googling now that my precious pooper has grown into a temper tantrum toddler.  
* One year molars: Bottom line? They take a helluva long time to come in and they will ruin your life. 
* Toddler only wants to self-feed: Yeah, good luck with that. 
* Swim diapers and pee: Turns out they don't hold pee.  Only poop.  These things are basically designed to make your life as a parent more complicated. 
* Toddler biting: One group of thought involves biting your child back in order to teach them that it's wrong.  Yeah, that makes sense. 
* Best shoes for new walkers: Make sure you're willing to shell out an arm and a leg for something that won't screw up their "developing" feet.  Oh, and yes... your child will grow out of these within a couple of months. 
* Preschool costs: Want my advice? Ditch the first walker shoes and save up for Pre-K. 
* Sippy cups that don't leak: Playtex seems to be your best bet.  Their slogan should be: "We're more than just tampons."
* asdkfjweitoi3r,nafm,g.,sdfljwe{aslkgj'qp[: That was the last thing Mackenzie Googled while playing with my phone. 
* Best sunscreen for babies:  I thought "tear-free" meant no tears.  Like, ever.  Apparently I can slather sunblock on my kid until the cows come home but inevitably she'll still end up crying when she's hungry, tired, or just plain old cranky.  I say that's false advertising! 
* The lyrics to "Pizza, Pickle, Pumpernickel": Because these are the things you find yourself doing while waiting for a gynecological exam... You'll be happy to know I also managed to kill an issue of Us Weekly.  It's sad that my "alone" time has come down to this. 
* Stranger anxiety: This phase seemed to come and go before I could even hit "enter" on the keyboard.  A few months ago I had to kindly shoo away anyone who approached us at the grocery store.  Now Mackenzie would happily "go bye-bye" with the person pumping gas next to us.  Next search? Teaching Stranger Danger! 

1 comment:

  1. The idea of chemical free diapers was awesome. The diapers are really soft and cute as my daughter has allergies to most brands but I found these honest diaper best in use for my little baby.