Wednesday, October 6, 2010

10 Things I Never Thought I'd Google

As I watched Doug change Mackenzie's diaper just days after she was born, I couldn't help but notice what appeared to be...
a second butt hole.
Yes, that's right..





At first I thought maybe it was the pain medication going to my head, or the lack of sleep impairing my eyesight... and my judgment.

But no, right there in the middle of her lower back was an extra orifice.
Was I going crazy? What was going on around her little tushy?

I breathed a sigh of relief when Doug admitted that he had also wondered what that little black abyss was all about.  Neither one of us wanted to ask the hospital pediatrician about it, but hey, a second butt hole? That would be cause for concern, no? Might want to check with the doctor and see what that's all about, right?

Turns out it was a small dimple that's common after babies are born.  When poo manages to make its way in there it looks scarier than it really is.  It's since disappeared and I'd almost forgotten all about it until I realized the other day that the black hole was just the start of an endless line of incredibly ridiculous and embarrassing questions we'd be asking doctors, nurses, and the # 1 source for ALL information...


Here's a sampling of the things I've recently Googled...

(Warning: Do not read this around breakfast, lunch, or dinner time!)

* frothy poop: the result of a fore milk/hind milk imbalance (don't ask) or a side effect of some medications; will usually occur during a diaper change; you will never look at a cappuccino the same way

* engorgement: it makes your husband's eyes pop out of his head and puts a smile on his face, but you tend to feel like a beast on Animal Planet or the victim of a botched boob job

* projectile vomit: surprisingly the vomit needs to spew out several feet in order for it to be considered projectile; apparently down-the-back-of-the-leg-splat-on-the-floor spit up is normal

* urinary incontinence: just one of the many new mommy joys I've experienced; the prize I get for having a baby who's fully engaged at 9 centimeters only to be delivered via C-section! Did I just pee myself? Yeah, just a little bit... Just a little bit.

* baby body hair: never knew babies sometimes come out looking like Alf; luckily this furry coating is shed rather quickly

* post-pregnancy hair loss: I could make my own Chia pet with the amount of hair I've lost in the shower over the last few weeks, making up for 9 months in which -- because of those crazy prego hormones -- a single strand of hair never fell out of my head

* Mongolian spot: benign blue-gray birthmark that appears at birth, common among babies of East Asian, Native American, and East African descent; since Mackenzie has one but we don't come from any of those backgrounds Doug suspects the mailman

* rotavirus: your baby gets vaccinated for this horrible illness starting at 2 months of age, and despite your diligent efforts to keep your hands super clean during the 48 hours in which your child is "shedding" the virus through her poop you can still have symptoms. Being stuck on the toilet when you're home alone trying to take care of an infant is kinda tricky. Rotavirus = EWWWW.

* milk of magnesia: because you need something to help move things along after your body experiences 1) hard labor 2) major abdominal surgery 3) an epidural, anesthesia, and pain killers.  A word to the wise: have the number of a good plumber handy.  Again, EWWWW.

* how to pick baby boogers: since you can't just stick your giant finger up their little nostrils, countless parents have shared their techniques on the web.  General rule of thumb: pick the hard ones, suck out the wet ones with an aspirator (this gets a little tricky when your baby wants to put everything in her mouth)

*****I've realized that if I had a boy, this list would be a little different.  I guess it's a good thing I haven't had to search for "penis scab", "swollen scrotum", or "undescended testicles".*****

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