Thursday, August 25, 2011

10 Signs YOU Need A Time Out (A Real One)

1) Normal things exhaust you.
Preparing dinner goes something like this: squinting through teary eyes while chopping an onion and using your left foot to block your toddler from climbing into the open dishwasher and stabbing herself with a steak knife.

2) You're beginning to scare yourself.
You've actually considered putting your child up for auction on eBay, leaving them screaming in the shopping cart at Target, or running away from home.

3) You're taking things out on innocent bystanders.
The person calling from the Lupus Foundation is just looking for a donation pledge.  She doesn't need to hear how difficult your day has been.

4) You've lost your memory.
First you couldn't find your keys.  Then your sunglasses.  Then you swore you picked up milk from the store even though you didn't.  By week's end you can't remember an extensive conversation you had with your husband on Tuesday night.  You try to convince yourself that he's the one going crazy.  But we all know what's really going on.

5) You're digressing.
You almost shouted, "Hooray!" when the waiter brought your salad.  You had to bite your tongue before telling the bank clerk she was a "good girl".  And every time you pass a dog you instinctively bark.

6) You wonder if you have your priorities straight.
A rare earthquake rocks the East Coast.  Your first thought is, "God! What is wrong with my washing machine? I can't afford to go a day without being able to do laundry."  Upon realizing what's really going on, your second thought is, "God! This is really going to screw up nap time."

7) You've become paranoid.
You're convinced that your child is out to get you.  Every time your daughter throws a temper tantrum, or your son refuses to nap, it's actually a premeditated plot to get you to jump off a bridge.

8) You've thrown in the towel... at least when it comes to certain things.
You were determined to get your newborn into his own crib after only three weeks.  You stood firm on your decision to stop nursing once your little one reached her first birthday.  But you're too tired and too defeated to battle a toddler who only wants milk from a bottle.  So your kid will probably still be drinking from a nipple at the age of 12.

9) You're hearing voices and you need to make them go away.
Oh no... not like you're crazy and there are people who don't exist talking inside your head.  No, no, no.  These voices are real.  Like, seriously.  Pinky swear.
There's the whorey girl at Victoria's Secret who told you that your chest has shrunk a full cup size.
There's the hostess -- a Mila Kunis look-alike -- who just called you ma'am.
There's the couple ahead of you at the grocery store talking about the cool new restaurant they can't wait to try this weekend.
There's the guy from Sears informing you that there's mold growing in your A/C unit and he can clean it for $1500.  You know, or you can just ignore it and allow your child to develop asthma... or worse.

10) You can't escape, even when you try.
You're unable to get a haircut without having a conversation that involves Stride Rite.  You spend the occasional moms' night out discussing preschool tuition.  Instead of relaxing during your last pedicure, you updated your calendar, composed a list of questions to ask your pediatrician at the next well visit, and calculated how much you'd be making if motherhood was a paid position.


  1. Ok, I've wanted to comment on almost every post I've ready starting about 2 months ago since I started following your hilarious stories. I think you live in my head. Seriously! I have identical twin boys who are 18 months old and this list just about sums up my life. Last week I did give myself a time out during snack time and upon shutting the door realized I'd just locked myself out. For the second time that week. The first time was a few days prior and the keys got locked in the car. While visiting the great grandparents. Right around dinnertime. And yes, I've pondered (more than a handful of times) sitting my kids in their wagon with a sign that reads 'Free to a good home. 2 for 1 special!' Thanks for making me feel normal and making light of our everyday, fun, but maddening, life:)

  2. Krissy - you're hilarious! Thanks for reading. Keep the comments coming and know that you are not alone!