Thursday, November 18, 2010

A Mommy's Christmas Wish List

Really? My neighbor still has Halloween decorations on her lawn and there's already a Santa's workshop set up at the mall? C'mon people, we can't even enjoy Thanksgiving first?
If the rest of the world is going to jump the gun and force Christmas on us this early, then I'm going to be just as obnoxious and make my wish list public, no matter how inappropriate or embarrassing it may be. 
Now, if any of you are expecting this to include such things as, "world peace," "an end to global hunger," or "a clean Earth for our children," I have two words for you: THINK AGAIN. 
Not that I don't hope for them... they're just, uh, on another list... yeah... ahem... stay tuned for that.

Anyway, on to my mommy Christmas wish list. 
Here are the things I REALLY want this year (in addition to world peace, no hunger, a greener planet, blah blah blah):

1) leak-proof diapers: I'm talking about the freakin' Hoover Dam here. I mean it. No more epic flooding in 2011, that's for sure. I. JUST. CAN'T. COPE. And neither can my washing machine.  In the meantime, Seventh Generation has earned its stripes in the Mackenzie Monster Poop Matchup against Pampers, Huggies, and Luvs.  Don't be fooled by false advertising though... these puppies may be chlorine-free but they're still not biodegradable (see, I do kind of care about Mother Earth, kind of).

2) socks that actually stay on baby feet: If I could invent one thing in my lifetime it would be infant socks with staying power.  If you know a kid or have a kid, chances are you've either given or received a pair of oh-so-cute socks that look like ballet slippers, Mary Janes, or Converse high tops.  The only problem is that children don't keep them on their feet. Socks get lost in couch cushions, car seats, and your cleavage, not to mention grocery stores, neighborhood parks, and kid-friendly restaurants.  My mother is constantly eyeing Mackenzie's little toes, reminding me that they're probably cold because I've failed to dress her appropriately with socks.  But I do. They just come off. Constantly. If they're not lost in a crack or crevice somewhere, Mackenzie is likely holding them in her itty bitty hands trying to eat them for lunch. MUST. HAVE. STAY-PUT SOCKS.

3) a part-time nanny: preferably she'll look like Fraulein Maria, or better yet, Mrs. Doubtfire (Maria was actually pretty hot, no?) As long as she doesn't resemble Scarlett Johansson in "The Nanny Diaries" I'm ok with it. (Sienna Miller, what were you thinking?!?!?!)

4) one night at a semi-decent hotel, by myself: so I can raid the mini bar, throw on a pair of comfortable pajamas, and sleep. That's it. The end. A Milky Way and a light-blocking eye mask sound just dreamy right about now. 

5) Justin Timberlake tickets: oh wait... after he rocked my body and brought sexy back, he decided it was way cooler to be in movies. (That's ok JT, I'm still willing to have eight of your babies any time you're free).

6) an Elvis impersonator at my beck and call: because apparently Mackenzie thinks it's funny when I try to sound like "The King" (either that or she's laughing at the fact that I can't carry a tune to save my life)
7) an endless supply of chocolate chip cookies, paired with a lifetime supply of sweatpants (you get the connection here, right?)
8) bibs that actually serve a purpose: any fool can take a paper towel and Velcro it to a baby's chest, but how about something that actually keeps spit up, drool, and pureed peas off my child's clothes? Is that too much to ask? Do I have to steal an XL plastic bib off some middle-aged man at Red Lobster to get some good coverage? Work with me here! 
9) a refill on those post-partum pain meds: because they were so good they got me through major surgery, breast feeding 101, and the emotional, physical, and mental shock that came with having a baby.

10) a trip to the Dominican Republic: because it's where Doug and I spent our first vacation together, got engaged, honeymooned, and decided to have a baby (luckily for us these things didn't all happen at the same time!) 

11) a diaper pail that actually keeps the stench out: because I was a sucker and believed that the plastic cone someone marketed as a "genie" could mask the smell of piled up poop. Guess what? You could be a week old or a century old and your poo still stinks to high heaven no matter how many layers of scented plastic you wrap around it.
12) more of the good stuff in the New Year: because there's nothing like Doug and I waking up on Sunday morning to the sound of little whimpers across the hall, bringing the baby into bed, curling up under the covers, and fighting over who's going to make breakfast (somehow Mackenzie always wins... I'm still waiting for her to whip up a batch of pancakes and a side of bacon).

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