Tuesday, August 31, 2010

20 Signs You've Been Made

* Your legs are battered and bruised from carrying a car seat
* You're able to pick up just about anything with your toes
* You can now eat faster than Joey Chestnut
* You've mastered the art of texting while nursing
* You've learned how to fit all of your groceries around the car seat

* You hear "Pop Goes the Weasel" in your head even when the bouncy seat is turned off
* You're never quite sure what day it is
* You've learned how to turn any surface into a changing table
* You find yourself rocking a shopping cart back and forth even when there's no baby in it
* Whatever you usually did with two hands can now be accomplished with one
* You've bathed yourself with baby wipes
* You don't remember the last time you wore your hair down
* You've started buying stain remover in bulk
* You fantasize about taking an uninterrupted shower
* You get your sweatpants hemmed
* You've put yourself in "time out" once or twice
* You've learned to always keep the car moving
* You've come to appreciate automatic doors
* You've wondered why no one has formulated baby whiskey
* You're reminded daily that each moment is fleeting, that this child will soon grow up and leave your side, and you fear the day you'll no longer be needed.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Next Window Please

If you consider how long people have been having babies, you start to wonder why the world isn't more sensitive to the needs of new parents. 
For example, where are all the drive through services for mothers who schlep their kids to and from the post office, the dry cleaners, and the grocery store. I think everyone ought to offer a shopping experience modeled after a fast food joint.  Pay at the first window, pick up at the second.
How much easier would our days be if buying a book of stamps didn't involve having to unhinge the car seat, lock it into the Titanic-sized stroller, open two entrance doors with our asses, elbows, and knees, and stand in line singing "Itsy Bitsy Spider" while trying to squeeze in some Kegel exercises?

Monday, August 16, 2010

Getting Crafty

I'm now two months in and I feel like I've been doing this my whole life, even though there are some days I feel like jumping off the roof. Did I mention I quit smoking almost a year ago when I found out I was pregnant and I've been craving a cigarette ever since?