SAHM I Am

I recently received a Save the Date to my 10-year college reunion next June.  
I won't be attending because it's the same weekend that Mackenzie turns one and Doug has already started party planning. 
It got me thinking though about how a conversation would go with one of my old classmates if the reunion were held today. *In my head this former classmate is a beautiful, single, childless woman who has become the CEO of a Fortune 500 company; it makes the story more dramatic, so just go with it.*


ME: Hello, my name is SAHM. I'm a Stay-At-Home Mom (thanks for the clever acronym, Daniela). 
I went to college, earned a degree, got a great job, and now 80% of my day revolves around diapers and laundry.
I've recently been promoted to House Manager, which is great because I was thinking that I really haven't been challenged enough, what with the child rearing and everything. 


(insert eye roll here)


OLD CLASSMATE: So, SAHM, what do you DO all day?




ME: Well, I'm glad you asked because this will knock your socks off.  Here's a typical day for you, laid out with every mundane detail (since you're so curious). 
Today started off great.  For the first time in weeks my four month old didn't wake up covered in her own poo.
We celebrated her achievement with a glass of champagne and a cigar.
Actually it was more like she got some boob action and I tried to scarf down some breakfast in between verses of the annoyingly repetitive Exersaucer songs I sing along with.


OLD CLASSMATE: Do continue, this is fascinating. 


ME: I know, right?!?!? 
Well, again, since you're so interested... 
I then changed Mackenzie's diaper and she projectile pooped across the room, making sure to fire at the exact time my hand was wiping her bottom.


(Old Classmate spits out her mini quiche hors d'oeuvre in shock... I tell her that's kind of what the projectile poop looked like).


ME: Then we went to the mother/child stroller fitness class we take so that I can run, squat, and lunge my way back into my skinny jeans. Mackenzie slept half the time and proceeded to have a minor meltdown during the last five minutes of class.
Then home for a feeding, my attempt to eat lunch (which consisted of me hovering over the kitchen counter trying to spoon last night's leftover mac n' cheese in my mouth while keeping Mackenzie propped on my hip), a nap for the baby and a quick, no shave, no shampoo shower for me, followed by two back-to-back diaper leaks and two loads of laundry. 


(In real life Old Classmate would've bolted by now, but it's my story and she's still around.) 


ME (continuing): Then we needed to run some errands.  My responsibilities have doubled since becoming House Manager and my workload now includes tasks previously performed by the House CFO -- a.k.a Doug -- after his 13-hour work day (these include, but are not limited to: taking out the trash, fixing the TV, changing the air filter, spending an hour on the phone with Apple trying to determine why our computer doesn't work). 
This particular afternoon was spent at the car dealership, CVS, and the cleaners. 


(OK, Old Classmate is long gone by now and I'm just rambling on about my day, but you're still reading so someone is still interested, right?)


By the way, don't think you're going to get faster service if you have an infant in tow.  I was in for a rude awakening today at the dealership when I realized I was going to have to wait just as long as anyone else.  Thankfully the guy at the service desk was very helpful... pointing out that I really had my hands full today.  Very insightful observation.  This guy was a real gem. 


I didn't want to sit around the waiting room at Nissan so I put Mackenzie in the stroller and we walked to CVS for a snack (I hadn't eaten anything since the mac n' cheese four hours earlier).  
As I was checking out the wine selection candy selection, an old man approached the stroller and peered in to gawk at the baby.  My previously childless self wouldn't have thought anything of this.  
He seemed kind enough, telling me how cute she was and asking her age. 
But now that I'm a mama grizzly I was convinced this guy was a pedophile.  I grabbed some wine Skittles and raced to the register, probably a little too quickly... probably a little too paranoid. 
*ok, ok... I bought a bag of Skittles and a bottle of wine, but only finished one on the walk back to the dealership.*


Next stop after picking up the car was the dry cleaners... my favorite place to go with a baby.  It takes more time to get in and out of the damn car than it does to drop off Doug's shirts.  Then I spend the entire ride home worrying that the dry cleaning plastic will blow across the back seat and suffocate Mackenzie before we reach our driveway. 


I'm glad to report that we made it home in one piece, though I'm still wondering why I ever bothered to shower earlier in the day. I managed to work up a nasty sweat lugging the car seat and stroller around town all afternoon. 


But...
The baby is fed and asleep. 
The car is safe to drive. 
The laundry is done. 
All electronics are working. 
And dinner is on the way. 
Hello, my name is SAHM.  
I'm the CEO of this house, and our stock is rising.