1) snaps: whoever thought it would be wise to add a million of these tiny contraptions to baby clothes never wrestled my child
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| Mackenzie's "Fussy Pink" room |
3) anything that plays one song over, and over, and over: 'nuf said
4)
Friday, October 1, 2010
A Mommy's Top 10 List
10 Things I've Cursed Since Becoming A Mommy
1) snaps: whoever thought it would be wise to add a million of these tiny contraptions to baby clothes never wrestled my child
2) Sherwin Williams: for thinking it would be cute to name a paint color "Fussy Pink"; I blame the company for every sleepless night I've had
3) anything that plays one song over, and over, and over: 'nuf said
4)my husband my bathroom scale
1) snaps: whoever thought it would be wise to add a million of these tiny contraptions to baby clothes never wrestled my child
3) anything that plays one song over, and over, and over: 'nuf said
4)
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
And You Thought I Was Cynical
On a recent trip to the grocery store during mommy prime time -- a.k.a Monday 11 a.m., also considered old people prime time -- I ran across a young woman who was dishing out parenting advice at the deli counter.
Naturally I had Mackenzie buried in the shopping cart surrounded by mounds of produce and nonperishables.
As I tried to weave my way through the dozen or so customers lollygagging around the case of Boar's Head ham, I was trapped by the grocery gabber.
"How old?" she asked pointing to the car seat.
"Almost 4 months," I replied, overestimating a bit since Mackenzie is a little plump for her age (90th percentile in weight, MUST SWITCH HER TO LIGHT BEER).
"Ohhh, you're still in the trenches," said my new friend.
Naturally I had Mackenzie buried in the shopping cart surrounded by mounds of produce and nonperishables.
As I tried to weave my way through the dozen or so customers lollygagging around the case of Boar's Head ham, I was trapped by the grocery gabber.
"How old?" she asked pointing to the car seat.
"Almost 4 months," I replied, overestimating a bit since Mackenzie is a little plump for her age (90th percentile in weight, MUST SWITCH HER TO LIGHT BEER).
"Ohhh, you're still in the trenches," said my new friend.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Not So Fast
If there's one thing I've learned as a new mother it's not to get too cocky.
Just when you think you've got it all figured out -- the 7 p.m. bedtime, the 2 a.m. diaper change, the 4-hour car ride -- the parenting gods come and poop all over your parade just to remind you that you're human and not infallible.
I've learned this the hard way, despite multiple warnings from both my father and a good girlfriend who cautioned against getting the least bit confident or comfortable.
After a brief taste of what it's like to get a good night's rest, I made the mistake of pronouncing my daughter a "great sleeper" as if she'd been training as a gymnast her entire life and had made it to the Olympics.
That night she was up every two hours like in the early weeks post-partem.
Just when you think you've got it all figured out -- the 7 p.m. bedtime, the 2 a.m. diaper change, the 4-hour car ride -- the parenting gods come and poop all over your parade just to remind you that you're human and not infallible.
I've learned this the hard way, despite multiple warnings from both my father and a good girlfriend who cautioned against getting the least bit confident or comfortable.
After a brief taste of what it's like to get a good night's rest, I made the mistake of pronouncing my daughter a "great sleeper" as if she'd been training as a gymnast her entire life and had made it to the Olympics.
That night she was up every two hours like in the early weeks post-partem.
Monday, September 6, 2010
"Sommmmmmebody's hunnnnnngry!!!!"
What is it with total strangers who think they know what's best for your baby?
On this beautiful Labor Day I found myself at - of all places - the mall.
In my book, pushing a stroller at a moderate pace constitutes as cardio no matter where you are... and as long as I was doing something healthy I could live with the fact that I wasn't enjoying a perfect day outside.
But I digress.
So here we are, on Labor Day, at the mall, and I of course have a total game plan.
Exchange some clothes I received for the baby that aren't seasonal or already don't fit.
In and out, real quick, boom, boom, boom.
But it nevvvver works that way with a lil' one in tow.
The baby serves as a huge distraction for anyone within a two foot radius.
They have to "oooh" and "ahhhh" and give their assessment of your child's physical, mental, and behavioral state.
On this beautiful Labor Day I found myself at - of all places - the mall.
In my book, pushing a stroller at a moderate pace constitutes as cardio no matter where you are... and as long as I was doing something healthy I could live with the fact that I wasn't enjoying a perfect day outside.
But I digress.
So here we are, on Labor Day, at the mall, and I of course have a total game plan.
Exchange some clothes I received for the baby that aren't seasonal or already don't fit.
In and out, real quick, boom, boom, boom.
But it nevvvver works that way with a lil' one in tow.
The baby serves as a huge distraction for anyone within a two foot radius.
They have to "oooh" and "ahhhh" and give their assessment of your child's physical, mental, and behavioral state.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
20 Signs You've Been Made
* Your legs are battered and bruised from carrying a car seat
* You're able to pick up just about anything with your toes
* You can now eat faster than Joey Chestnut
* You've mastered the art of texting while nursing
* You've learned how to fit all of your groceries around the car seat
* You hear "Pop Goes the Weasel" in your head even when the bouncy seat is turned off
* You're never quite sure what day it is
* You've learned how to turn any surface into a changing table
* You find yourself rocking a shopping cart back and forth even when there's no baby in it
* Whatever you usually did with two hands can now be accomplished with one
* You've bathed yourself with baby wipes
* You don't remember the last time you wore your hair down
* You've started buying stain remover in bulk
* You fantasize about taking an uninterrupted shower
* You get your sweatpants hemmed
* You've put yourself in "time out" once or twice
* You've learned to always keep the car moving
* You've come to appreciate automatic doors
* You've wondered why no one has formulated baby whiskey
* You're reminded daily that each moment is fleeting, that this child will soon grow up and leave your side, and you fear the day you'll no longer be needed.
* You're able to pick up just about anything with your toes
* You can now eat faster than Joey Chestnut
* You've mastered the art of texting while nursing
* You've learned how to fit all of your groceries around the car seat
* You hear "Pop Goes the Weasel" in your head even when the bouncy seat is turned off
* You're never quite sure what day it is
* You've learned how to turn any surface into a changing table
* You find yourself rocking a shopping cart back and forth even when there's no baby in it
* Whatever you usually did with two hands can now be accomplished with one
* You've bathed yourself with baby wipes
* You don't remember the last time you wore your hair down
* You've started buying stain remover in bulk
* You fantasize about taking an uninterrupted shower
* You get your sweatpants hemmed
* You've put yourself in "time out" once or twice
* You've learned to always keep the car moving
* You've come to appreciate automatic doors
* You've wondered why no one has formulated baby whiskey
* You're reminded daily that each moment is fleeting, that this child will soon grow up and leave your side, and you fear the day you'll no longer be needed.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Next Window Please
If you consider how long people have been having babies, you start to wonder why the world isn't more sensitive to the needs of new parents.
For example, where are all the drive through services for mothers who schlep their kids to and from the post office, the dry cleaners, and the grocery store. I think everyone ought to offer a shopping experience modeled after a fast food joint. Pay at the first window, pick up at the second.
How much easier would our days be if buying a book of stamps didn't involve having to unhinge the car seat, lock it into the Titanic-sized stroller, open two entrance doors with our asses, elbows, and knees, and stand in line singing "Itsy Bitsy Spider" while trying to squeeze in some Kegel exercises?
For example, where are all the drive through services for mothers who schlep their kids to and from the post office, the dry cleaners, and the grocery store. I think everyone ought to offer a shopping experience modeled after a fast food joint. Pay at the first window, pick up at the second.
How much easier would our days be if buying a book of stamps didn't involve having to unhinge the car seat, lock it into the Titanic-sized stroller, open two entrance doors with our asses, elbows, and knees, and stand in line singing "Itsy Bitsy Spider" while trying to squeeze in some Kegel exercises?
Monday, August 16, 2010
Getting Crafty
I'm now two months in and I feel like I've been doing this my whole life, even though there are some days I feel like jumping off the roof. Did I mention I quit smoking almost a year ago when I found out I was pregnant and I've been craving a cigarette ever since?
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