Monday, April 4, 2011

Ten for Ten

In honor of Mackenzie's 10 month birthday I thought I'd toast myself for reaching the following mommy milestones... 

* This weekend I finally allowed Doug to walk on our white carpet wearing shoes, only because it was that important to grab the Boogie Wipes from the nursery, stat!
As Doug observed, this was a major turning point for me.

* Earlier in the week I managed to avert a choking situation by removing a "Made In China" sticker from Mackenzie's windpipe. The fact that I did this on my own without having a panic attack and needing medical attention for myself is quite a feat on its own. I still don't know exactly how that damn sticker made its way into Mackenzie's mouth but I will say this: Point taken; Buy American.

* I can now rest easy knowing I've found the perfect swimsuit -- not for me -- but for my daughter. It compliments her voluptuous curves while concealing her trouble zones. As every woman knows, that's code for "reduces the appearance of cellulite... if you happen to be blind." (Don't worry, M. You'll lose your baby fat soon enough. Only to gain it all back your first year in college.)

* In an attempt to mask the dark circles under my eyes and the laugh lines that have cropped up around my jaw, I've recently become a self-tanning convert (no Snooki jokes please, despite the fact that I hail from the Dirty Jerz). This no-makeup solution is the ultimate shortcut for SAHMs who don't have the time to gussy up but -- at the same time -- don't care to look like something out of a horror film.  Of course, this works great until Mackenzie decides to slobber all over my face and leave orange streaks across my skin. 

* I've taken the plunge and started experimenting with table food despite the fact that I've honestly considered wheeling the high chair outside to hose Mackenzie down after each meal.

* By week's end I will have had two -- yes TWO -- mom's nights out in seven days. That's just crazy. We're getting crazy up in here. Crazy. Someone pass the sippy cup already. I'm livin' on the edge. 

* You wanna go mano a mano on who sells the cheapest baby wipes? Bring it!

* After 10 months, I've finally memorized all the words to "Goodnight Sweet Butterflies" and "Ten Little Ladybugs" so that even when Mackenzie decides to wear either book as a hat, I'm able to continue the story without losing my place. 

* I now know that eating a little bit of dirt isn't going to kill you.  Ditto for leaves.  And sticks.  And crayons.  Although crayons do manage to make their way through the system.  There's nothing like waking up to a magenta poop diaper in the morning. 

* I've learned that children take their cues from their parents.  If you freak out when they fall down, they'll freak out when they fall down.  If you get visibly frustrated when they have a major meltdown in the middle of Target, they'll probably just end up screaming louder and crying harder.  So as hard as it may be, play it cool.  A happy mommy is a happy baby.  

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